INSIDE LOOKING IN
I make it a point to circle around that block at least twice a week. It is about fifteen minutes added to my route, but it is something my heart drives me to do. I have convinced myself that I am doing it for the greater good, not just to remind myself of the pain in my life and the emptiness I want to fill. I could be punishing myself for some deep seeded guilt that needs a reminder to keep to the surface. Honestly, though, I don’t think it is pretty tricky at all, he is my dad, and I need to feel that connection, and on a more immense plain, we are one no matter where we are. So I keep him in view; sometimes, I spot him leaning or sitting against a building, surrounded by his things; sometimes, I see him in the food line at the shelter. If I don’t see him, I keep my disappointment in check and will enter this ritual again to catch a glimpse of him on a different day. I cannot cry anymore or lie awake at night worried, angry, or in despair, not that I am numb. But, still in acceptance