A perception of life

I could not believe that he lived in this. Not wanting to touch anything, the smell grabbed me in a choke hold. The peace I felt was out of place. You could not feel life or death; it was as if your senses went numb.

We started to sort through his belongings, things to keep, things to give away and things to throw in the trash. Wanting it to go quickly but yet not wanting to leave. This is where he lived, a small room with a small bathroom, little fridge, table, chair and bed with dresser. Covered in things he had gathered, most of it just things you use daily, not much collected from the past, no photo frames or trinkets. The walls were dirty, well everything seemed dirty. This is where his life had ended.

Time had stopped for him, his grown children cleaning up the mess, sorting his stuff. They had not seen him in years, all they knew was he was in the city trying to get by.

Three children, now with children of their own, taking care of their father’s life now that it is gone.

This is poverty, down and out, he had shelter, friends and a job, but no one should live like that.

When on the outside of the room, the room is still exists.

Depression is Manageable

I have to unlock this door, the latch is rusty, the hinges are weak and the door itself is soaked with tears.

My hand shakes with fear; I tremble at the thought of entering. The small, damp, dark room on the other side frightens me. The small room is sound proof and I fear the door will close behind me and I will be locked in.

I know it is sound proof; I was in that room, locked behind its door, and no one came when I called for help. A silent scream for help was never heard.

I freeze with a sense of terror; I cannot urge my hand to place the key in the lock.

The memory of the darkness that surrounds you completely, goes through you in a blanket of hopelessness. The dampness that seeps from the walls, floor and ceiling pierces your body in waves of pain. Your body aches with every movement, every thought and every cry.

I know there is a need to open the door and let light in the room. I need to let there be rays of hope and heat of love into the room. It needs to be washed of all self doubt, lies, unjustifiable negative self image; the toxic thoughts and venom. With light, warmth and laughter the room will be livable. It may never disappear but if talked about, the darkness and loneliness within will.

I did not escape without help; I had to confess to myself that the room was my prison. I had to make peace with my thoughts and tell someone. I had to give myself a voice. Although I still stand on the outside of this room, it still stands there. It still exists here with all its suffering. I am almost ready to open that door, in fact to take the door off.

Maybe the strength of acknowledging it and not letting it exist in darkness, but bring to fill it with light and with laughter where it will shine and be a positive force in my life.

*Depression is an illness that stays with you, even when you feel you have dealt with it.

May is Mental Health Month 2019

This year marks MHA's 70th year celebrating Mental Health Month!

*Recommended books

In Disguise But Real

I felt a cold presence within me, one that enters at will and does not allow for correction.

The true frigid numbness of tears, tears frozen and standing in wait.

A cloud will rain down emptiness, swallowing any pain.

I felt a frosty air swarm within me, swells inside to cover any thoughts of mourning.

I have no control of this tingling wall that is sometimes seen through.

On the other side, I know there is free-feeling grief that wages a war.

With the coldness holding back tears, raging over the healing, I fear for a day that the ice melts fast and drown.

#grief #mysoultoken #poem #writing #literature #selfhelp #saddness

Face to face

I have traveled here to receive answers

I left my known to receive the unknown

You let me travel here on my own

You never questioned my reasons

I bellowed a cry of frustration

I allowed for my pain to protrude

You carried me to comfort

You shut off my query once again

I am entering a new place of hope

I bow to my new sanity with glee

#mentalhealth #help #listening #support #answers

Inside part 1

I make it a point to circle around that block at least twice a week. It is about fifteen minutes added to my route, but it is something my heart drives me to do. I have convinced myself that I am doing it for a greater good, not just to remind myself of the pain in my life and emptiness that I want to fill. I could be punishing myself for some deep seeded guilt that needs a reminder to keep to the surface. Honestly though, I don’t think it is quite difficult at all, he is my dad and I need to feel that connection, and on a larger plain we are one no matter where we are. So I keep him in view, sometimes I spot him leaning or sitting against a building, surrounded by his things, sometimes I see him in the food line at the shelter. If I don’t happen to see him at all; I keep my disappointment in check and will enter this ritual once again to catch a glimpse of him on a different day.
I cannot cry any more or lie awake at night worried, angry or in despair, not that I am numb but in acceptance mode to keep myself sane and to cherish all that is good now and all that was good then. I keep my memories pure that way without tainting them with pain that demolishes me slowly.
Often my children are with me as I drive around the area, it is definitely out of the way, that is obvious. My story is that I like to check out the prices at the grocery store in the area, on the ad sign out front. They are still young enough to take what I say at face value, but I am sure there will come a day they will ask why I never stop to shop at that store.

A walk through life

If the simple power of love has never kissed your heart, how do ever know when it is broken?

If you have not fallen into a new peace and fulfillment, how do you know there was turmoil?

If you have never caressed your passion around your body, how do you know about your loneliness?

If you have never quieted your mind to a true being, how do you know there was ever uninterrupted noise?

If you never give, how do you ever appreciate what you have been given?

You smiled...

I have a secret to share
Not sure if I should dare
Whisper this in your ear
Come closer my dear

Try not to smile
Will be here awhile
Stand very still
We have time to kill

Suddenly life looks
Calm times it cooks
Silly little sighs
Magical soaring highs

I have a secret to share
But all know to care
I love you endearing
There is no fearing