RECOLLECTIONS

Recollection of times past. When you find a piece of the puzzle, you must look into the past. I always had a conflict about how people perceived me and what kind of person they thought I was. With the overwhelming intrusion of thoughts, I always worried about what others thought about me. During high school, I was sure that some saw me as stuck up, a bitch, and maybe snobby, while others saw me as plain and didn't notice me. No matter what I thought others were thinking of me, it was rarely, if ever, positive. The more these thoughts intruded on my mind, the more I would try to fade into the background.

Avoidance would be a defense. Sometimes I did speak or act, even enjoy myself and try to be expected; I would be tortured when alone. Examining everything I had said and done in front of people. As simple as just hanging with my friends, I judged, interrogated, and feared every moment I had made within the day,

Consumed with the never-ending trial I had put myself on, I would plan to try to be more invisible the next day. Planning to say even less sounded safer to spare me the beating in my mind.

High school also brought the self-image of being plain and homely. I felt lucky if a boy paid attention to me, but I also didn't handle it well.

My self-image is tainted by always disliking my looks and wanting to be better-looking or turn heads. Don't know exactly why. I have been complimented on how I look and sought compliments before; it all seemed to ensure the thoughts I had already. Ideas that I was a very blah-looking person and could blend into a wall if needed.