Always in a hurry to nowhere

I sometimes sit paralyzed, not knowing what to do. My mind swims in a list of activity, things that I should be doing. I am in a perpetual state of getting things done now, that I shut down to a state of anxiety. Nothing seems to be done, no magic wand to straighten the path. If I could just be happy with the moment, if I could just be calm and confident. The never ending 'if'.

I feel a constant need to hurry things along, the impatience of life that gets me nowhere.

Being shot down suddenly

A battle within is a true vision of a person's mind in turmoil. My imagination has always been forever streaming my thoughts. Great ideas and vision, inspirations and creativity have been much entwined in my life.

For some reason, that I am still struggling with, I will turn away from defending or justifying my ideas and thoughts. If any negative comments are made, I turn away from my thoughts, the very thoughts and ideas I had felt were so great.

I suppose it could be an insane search for optimal approval. What ever detours me from my ambitions so easily is something that must be addressed. No longer do I wish to shy away from things that make me happy. To stand up for what I think and feel is something that must happen.

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Stop being so shy!



A brief definition of shyness

In humans, shyness (also called diffidence) is a social psychology term used to describe the feeling of apprehension, lack of confidence, or awkwardness experienced when a person is in proximity to, approaching, or being approached by other people, especially in new situations or with unfamiliar people. Shyness may come from personality introversion, genetic traits, or the environment in which a person is raised. Some people with shyness have social anxiety problems or social phobia. But many people with shyness do not have these problems. Shyness may merely be a personality trait or can occur at certain stages of development in children. Shyness can also be cultural (adherence to certain norms of behavior in some cultures).
Now this label was put on me as a little girl and well into my adulthood. A label I lived with. When my face turned red, if I hid behind my mom, or just spoke really soft or did not make eye contact.

So already being not at ease in a situation, people would actually say out loud "oh you are shy" or "she is very shy isn't she"

As soon as the label was put on me, I was bound to it. If I did get up the nerve to talk I would get the "oh my, she does talk"

A terrified, social anxious person, put in a spot light and labelled. How do you get away from it? It is ingrained in you and physically hurts to over come. I had no clue how not to be shy, it was just how I was and the more obvious it became to others, the more I withdrew into it.

The statement "oh she is so quiet" or the never ending comment on every report card I received. "She is a very quiet, soft spoken girl and needs to participate more.

Do you think this would work? --"oh you are so shy, you should stop that" "You should talk more, be more out going.

Picture this for a moment: You have a large zit on your nose. Everyone that sees you points it out, tells you that you should get rid of it.

Does pointing out the obvious really help you feel better or maybe stress you out more and cause more zits.

Just asking......


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Recollection

Recollection of times past. When you need to find a piece of the puzzle, there is such a need to look into the past.
I always had a conflict within about how people perceived me, what kind of person they thought I was. With the overwhelming intrusion of thoughts, always worried about what others thought about me. During high school I was sure of the fact that some saw me as stuck up, a bitch and maybe snobby while others saw me as plain and didn't notice me at all. No matter what I thought others were thinking of me, it was rarely if ever positive. The more these thoughts intruded on my mind the more I would try to fade into the background.

Avoidance would be a defense. At the times I did speak or act, even enjoy myself and try to be normal, I would be tortured when alone. Examining everything I had said and done in front of people. As simple as just hanging with my friends, I judged, interrogated and feared every moment I had made within the day,

Consumed with the never ending trial I had put myself on, I would plan to try be more invisible the next day. To spare myself the beating in my mind, planning to say even less sounded safer.

High school also brought the self image of plain and homely. I felt lucky if a boy paid attention to me but I also didn't handle it well either.

Always disliking my looks, having a desire to be better looking or turn heads, my self image is tainted. Don't know exactly why. I have been complimented on my looks, I have sought compliments before, it all just seemed to ensure the thoughts I had already. Thoughts that I was a very blah looking person and could blend into a wall if needed.

Breaking Out

Discover with me a journey, where I expose myself to my fears. Facing them will release me and let me break free from the box. A mental health problem...most likely. A habit...most definitely. Although I may be in need of therapy, I will dive into getting myself together through confessions, sharing my life, examining my fears and the things that hold me back.

In hopes I will leave it behind and grow strong and maybe lead the way.



It is starting to warm up

In the summer heat, we appreciate the fact that we throw our blankets off and sleep with a fan on us. We feel the heat and go inside to cool down. We find it hot and we work with air conditioners so we don't sweat all day.

At night that same heat allow someone not to freeze all night. That heat allows someone to enjoy a night.

Summer is here, look around you, do you have any idea who is not going to a home tonight?


The Hunger Site


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