Inside part 1

I make it a point to circle around that block at least twice a week. It is about fifteen minutes added to my route, but it is something my heart drives me to do. I have convinced myself that I am doing it for a greater good, not just to remind myself of the pain in my life and emptiness that I want to fill. I could be punishing myself for some deep seeded guilt that needs a reminder to keep to the surface. Honestly though, I don’t think it is quite difficult at all, he is my dad and I need to feel that connection, and on a larger plain we are one no matter where we are. So I keep him in view, sometimes I spot him leaning or sitting against a building, surrounded by his things, sometimes I see him in the food line at the shelter. If I don’t happen to see him at all; I keep my disappointment in check and will enter this ritual once again to catch a glimpse of him on a different day.
I cannot cry any more or lie awake at night worried, angry or in despair, not that I am numb but in acceptance mode to keep myself sane and to cherish all that is good now and all that was good then. I keep my memories pure that way without tainting them with pain that demolishes me slowly.
Often my children are with me as I drive around the area, it is definitely out of the way, that is obvious. My story is that I like to check out the prices at the grocery store in the area, on the ad sign out front. They are still young enough to take what I say at face value, but I am sure there will come a day they will ask why I never stop to shop at that store.

A walk through life

If the simple power of love has never kissed your heart, how do ever know when it is broken?

If you have not fallen into a new peace and fulfillment, how do you know there was turmoil?

If you have never caressed your passion around your body, how do you know about your loneliness?

If you have never quieted your mind to a true being, how do you know there was ever uninterrupted noise?

If you never give, how do you ever appreciate what you have been given?