I always had a conflict within about how people perceived me, what kind of person they thought I was. With the overwhelming intrusion of thoughts, always worried about what others thought about me. During high school I was sure of the fact that some saw me as stuck up, a bitch and maybe snobby while others saw me as plain and didn't notice me at all. No matter what I thought others were thinking of me, it was rarely if ever positive. The more these thoughts intruded on my mind the more I would try to fade into the background.
Avoidance would be a defense. At the times I did speak or act, even enjoy myself and try to be normal, I would be tortured when alone. Examining everything I had said and done in front of people. As simple as just hanging with my friends, I judged, interrogated and feared every moment I had made within the day,
Consumed with the never ending trial I had put myself on, I would plan to try be more invisible the next day. To spare myself the beating in my mind, planning to say even less sounded safer.
High school also brought the self image of plain and homely. I felt lucky if a boy paid attention to me but I also didn't handle it well either.
Always disliking my looks, having a desire to be better looking or turn heads, my self image is tainted. Don't know exactly why. I have been complimented on my looks, I have sought compliments before, it all just seemed to ensure the thoughts I had already. Thoughts that I was a very blah looking person and could blend into a wall if needed.